Epic fail

Pick up the pieces will you?

2010-08-23T19:01:00.000+08:00

This is what I do when I feel completely and utterly hopeless: I open my blog and let all the things on my mind come tumbling out. I apologize for the disorganized thoughts, but I know you guys understand me. Nobody else reads this except for you dear people anyway.

I feel like I've lost all sense of priority. Today, I've reached an all time low. What's happening to me? I've been sucked into the process of activities and somehow I've lost myself. Right now, I feel so so lost. I set standards for myself and when I don't reach them I get frustrated. And now, I'm not only frustrated, I'm on the brink of crying because of my disappointment in myself (I'm at the office though, so I'm trying to hold back my tears). I don't know if you've ever had a goal, and you knew, just knew you could achieve it if you tried your very best. I did. Well, I do. But the thing is, looking back, I haven't been trying my very best and I let that golden opportunity of achievement slip right through my fingers. The goal that was once so close seems so far away now. Focusing on the silver lining though, I can see that glimmer of hope, that tiny crack of sunlight through the thunderous clouds. But it's so tiny. I'm broken pieces on the floor without any strength to reassemble myself.

Negativity just attracts more negativity. I'm trying hard not to be pessimistic.

...

But it's so hard...

smile cause it's summer!

2010-03-31T13:15:00.000+08:00

i finally felt the sweet beginnings of summer yesterday when i got a full day of us4 therapy (plus kristine)! you'd think since school ended, school'd be the last thing on my mind but no, apparently there's no rest for the officials of the samahan government. okay, i'm exaggerating, but after our last samahan event for the year, i've been running from one meeting to another for other school-related activities and it didn't feel very summer-y. but now it's really here peopleee, it's summerrr!

yesterday, my friends showed me videos from charlieissocoollike and because we had similar haircuts in some of his videos i felt like. cool. i shall be watching him more often (that sounds like something a stalker would say. but im not. you know. a stalker.) and we ate 6 whole pizzas! the last one i ordered was nasty though. it's a shame i forgot the name, i will never, ever ever order that pizza again *shudder*. it was worth it despite my being stuck in the bathroom for a whole hour due to an extremely upset stomach. oh the pain. i think i'll refrain from stuffing myself with too much food in a span of.. 30 min?

so im on a reading spree! i just finished shadows by the wind by carlos ruiz zafon and it's an amazing book. i have 6 more books to go (thanks romina and vina! :D) so ima go back to reading now. byee :)

like a whirlwind

2010-03-13T01:53:00.002+08:00

"Changes. Again. I hate it when that happens and most especially with people. You don't even know when the change happened. All you know is that, BAM! Who is this person? You weren't like that before. What happened? Or maybe that's who you are and you just hid it from everyone. Whatever."

My friend wrote this in her blog a few weeks ago and it spoke to me. This expresses my sentiments exactly. Change. Change can be good, but lately, it's been harder to cope with than it usually is. You know what I think the worst change is? The kind that creeps up on you and surprises you with its total abruptness. You think you know someone than BAM! you reel back in confusion and ask "Who are you? What happened?" It happens so fast you're left behind; bewildered, lost and confused. To believe in something only to find out it isn't applicable anymore because things have changed is a painful ordeal, I won't lie. It would be easier if I learned not to care, but I do. That's life I guess. Everyone eventually leaves.

good ol' times with gung

2009-12-23T01:09:00.000+08:00

hmm.. i realized i haven't had any quirky conversations with any of my sisters for the past few months. well, until this afternoon actually. really, the things gung comes up with nowadays.

~after lunch~
kristine: migel, im bored!!
migel: play on the guitar then.
*gets guitar*
kristine: *starts singing* migeelll, IT'S her nameeee *giggle* IT'S her nameeee *giggle*
migel: *wondering why she's putting a huge emphasis on the word it's* um, gung, why are you singing like that?
kristine: *rolls eyes* migel, i'm saying "its" instead of "her"
migel: you're saying "it's her name"
kristine: exactly! IT'S her nameeee, IT'S her nameeeee
migel: kristine.. isn't it supposed to be "it's its name"?
kristine: yeah, that's what i was saying! IT'S her-- oh..
migel: LOL!!
kristine: it's its her name.. it's its her -- no wait, it's its name.... i don't want to play anymore.

~after dinner~
kristine: migel, christmas isn't about saving money, its about spending money!
migel: you idiot, christmas isn't supposed to be about spending money, it's supposed to be about having time with your family and spending it--
kristine: EXACTLY! spending.
migel: *speechless*

HAHAHAHA!
gosh, i haven't had a laugh like that in ages. ohhh kristine. kristine kristine. lol

like a book

2009-12-22T13:55:00.000+08:00

it's so inconvenient when your face can be read like a book and people can tell exactly what you're thinking. well, if they knew you well enough anyway. there are somethings you'd prefer to keep to yourself. like where the cookies are hidden. or if your sad. or you have the urge to say something that might hurt someone. or if you just happened to gobble down the last piece of cake reserved for your sister. see? these things are better if kept to yourself. there's also that saying that misery loves company but i'm not exactly fond of that saying. it's kind of selfish to make other people miserable just so you can have company you know? so, like i said before, i wish people couldn't read me like a book. i wish i could control my actions or facial expressions somehow but then again, i've never been any good with pretensions. i think i'd go crazy if people like edward or sookie (yes ming, i've started on trueblood! lol) were real and could actually read my mind. i like knowing there are a few things i can keep to myself.

i think i'll go and eat my secret stash of cookies now.

zzz's.. please?

2009-12-12T02:04:00.001+08:00

uhh.. 1:34am. thesis. need. to. stay. awake.

im thinking of putting toothpicks under my eyelids just so it could win the battle against gravity. but who can beat gravity? no one i tell you. no one. maybe albert einstein. who knows. he's awesome. and superman. and god.

on a happier note, my christmas wish came true today! yes people, god really does answer prayers. thank you lord! wow, yes. :)

2:01am.

oh. it's break! bring out the mens health and 17 magazines. i shall go and ndtitanlady now. i must not sleep.

Up Dharma Down

2009-12-06T02:02:00.001+08:00

nothing like a good concert to bring your spirits up. :) i went to watch Up Dharma Down at jack's ridge today with khal. there was another group playing before Up Dharma Down came on (they didn't go on until like 10pm. i was falling asleep by then.. but let me tell you it was worth the wait) and they were playing all the gooood songs. like the songs at vina's debut. but the audience was.so.dead. UGH. they were literally emotionless, simply staring at the 2 girls and guy singing their hearts out on the stage. when i hear a song i know, its kinda hard to stop me from singing it soooooo just imagine me sitting all the way on the first row jerking erratically (its called moving to the beat okay? that's how i dance) to songs like ego, paparazzi and sweet dreams while the rest the people looked like apathetic zombies. i guess they were just waiting for Up Dharma Down because they were way more enthusiastic when they came on.

ooh ooh, but before i go on to the actual UDD band there was this guy before them who went on stage and got out... guess what -- a saxophone. oh.my.gee. then he started playing and i got goosebumps on my arms and my heart melted and i fell inlove with the saxophone (no, not the guy, he wasn't my type). yes, when you hear the saxophone in the "careless whisper" song its very disturbing, but really, the saxophone is such a sexy instrument. *awkward pause* okay, that didn't sound right. there's just something about the saxophone that's so soothing and relaxing. i gotta get me one of those. and of course a musician who knows how to play it.

so the Up Dharma Down band! though i was half-asleep i woke up when they finally went on. thanks to khal, i knew all their names properly. Ean the drummer was cute, Carlos the lead guitarist had freaky messy hair but was an awesome guitarist, Paul was the half-asleep cute looking bassist and Armi was the piano-playing leading vocalist. she was so pretty. well, i don't know how else to describe it: they were AWESOME. their songs were really different. and during the meet and greet afterwards, they loved my Snuffy Sesame Street Tshirt which made them even more awesome. i keep on saying awesome. im sorry, its 2am in the morning and im not exactly thinking coherently.

so if you haven't heard them check out their albums Fragmented and Bipolar! i will sleep now before i find myself drooling all over the keyboard.

good night!

held by a single strand

2009-12-03T22:26:00.000+08:00

i try not to feel it. i push it aside and ignore it, hoping against hope it'll go away somehow... no matter how hard i try though, it's still there. the anger. gurgling just beneath the depths of my control. this is not like me. i don't get angry. when i do it takes but a span of 30 seconds till im okay again. but its there. relentless. inexorable. a persistent painful throb at the back of my mind. what's wrong with me. clueless as to what to do, i decided to write. its the next best thing to soccer when the need to vent out your feelings happens to arise.

*sigh* i need leprechaun therapy.

utter frustration

2009-11-18T19:00:00.003+08:00

i can't get the comments to work!

comments, i shall defeat you and reign with victory!

somebody help me. :(:(

it might be love

2009-11-15T22:46:00.003+08:00

why do people seem to be so obsessed with love? embarking on that quest for the one who's supposed to make your life "perfect"? i've observed relationships of people who were supposedly inlove. i've seen the relationship suck out the happiness from both sides until they were merely hollow, soulless corpses parading around as human beings... fine, so maybe i'm going a tad over the line but you get my point. they both enter the relationship without knowing what they're getting themselves into. they not only hurt each other, they hurt themselves in the process as well. on the other hand though, if you manage to play your cards right, they say its the best feeling in the world. you just have to be mature enough to know when it's time to stop trying and let go before you become a helpless heap of broken heart pieces on the floor.

some people forget though there're other kinds of love besides the one with your better half; those that are just as strong, or perhaps even stronger. Watching My Sister's Keeper proved that to me (yes, this post is somewhat a result of me watching such a profoundly heart-rending movie). they all loved each other so much, they just dealt with their love differently. i cried, and cried... and cried some more. gosh, i do not know why i couldn't stop crying. thank god i watched the movie alone. the movie tapped into the relationship among siblings and it made me appreciate the relationship i have with my own siblings. so what if i haven't fallen "in" love cuz there is love in my life and that's all that matters. even though my sisters constantly call me "monkey"or "smeagle" (their personal favorite) and that babies cry because i'm ugly (no, they just cry because of my braces. really) and that they can't see me at night because i'm dark (i swear you can see me in the dark. as long as im smiling) i know they love me. that's love people. yes, love is a great thing.

My Sister's Keeper is a great movie.

Power to the Women!

2009-11-13T23:40:00.001+08:00

i'm not really going to talk about the arguments of feminism even though i advocate gender equality, i just find the title appropriate to the blog lay out dontcha think? haha, oh we women rock. ;)

so i was looking for a different kind of layout and i found this! i found it funny. :) sooo a new blog, a new semester and hopefully a new attitude! In all honesty, I've surprisingly been keeping my promise to myself not to procrastinate and to be more productive! except for now, but today's friday and i'm allowed a little rest right?

well, i'm going to try and keep this post short cause I have to sleep before 12am (i've been sleeping before 12am since school started. i've totally forgotten how good it feels to get a good solid 7-8 hours of sleep every night) well, i'ma run down my sched for this semester! i have a feeling i might die of stress because of the 29 units i'm currently taking up but heck, i can do this! (yes, the glass is always half-full)

MWF

Urbanizationa and Dev't
Maam Kim Taguibao
8:45 - 9:45
A major first thing in the morning! First off, the teacher is extremely nice. I don't think I have the heart to criticize her because she's a fairly new teacher (graduated just last March) and she's obviously still shy around us but she's always so happy, it's hard not to like her. The only problem I have with this subject is that the lessons she's teaching us are EXACTLY (no joke) the same as the lessons Paulo and I had in Economic Dev't, one of our electives for our minor in econ. She's using the same book and everything. I know, I'll have more chances of getting a better grade since I went through everything already but i mean, i dont want to go through the exact same thing all over again. :|:| oh well, we'll see how it goes.

International Economics
Sir Arnold Abejaron

whoo for economics! He's talkative and super smart. i enjoy this class. period.

International Politics
Sir Neil Ryan Pancho

Hmm, i can't exactly say how the lessons are so far since we've barely started but I know the teacher.. back to getting hand cramps for all the essays we're going to be writing for the exams :( a laid-back teacher who likes to attack when you least expect it so even though he might smile at us i keep my eyes wide and my ears open cuz those kinds of teachers should not be trusted. ever.

Theology 121
Sir Lunar Fayloga

it's sir lunar fayloga! that alone should tell you that the classes are entertaining and fun, sprinkled with a pinch of green humour but i'm surrounded by a few green-humored classmates so that isn't exactly new on my part. i'm stuck with accoutancy, but even though they're a bit on the quiet side it's an interesting class.

TTH
Philosophy104
Atty. Ira Calatrava-Valenzuela
7:40-9:10

i don't know how i'm going to be able to survive a 7:40 class but i'll manage. Atty. Calatrava is a breath of fresh air compared to my philo teacher from last sem. In our first meeting, she was talking about how she gave birth to twins! i mean, how awesome is that? twins! my philo teacher last year would just drone on and on like an annoying mosquito and if you didn't recite from the book word-for-word, you'd get an immediate deduction. i'm thinking of minoring in philosophy as well.. it's so interesting! hmm.. think think think..

Basic Research Methods
Maam Mae Fernandez

we haven't really started so i can't exactly say anything.. the higher years though said she's also really friendly so i'm looking forward to that..

Seminar on South Asia
Sir Harvey Gamas

one of my favorite teachers! like maam kim, he graduated last march but unlike maam kim he's not quiet and loves to joke around. it's hard to perceive him as a teacher now since before we'd always be in the same team in quiz bowls and stuff so when he teaches it's like having an older, much smarter student tutoring us.

JAPANESE
Sensei Morales

yes, it deserves all caps cuz its so a;lkfdja;lkdsjf;ahgldjf; hard. but yes, i can do this. the teacher is understanding and everything, but we can't keep testing his patience. i'm helpless in japanese but i shall succeed! oh dear, good luck to me this sem.

Calculus with Analytical Geometry
Atty. Chamen
6pm to 9pm

Lord, i am absolutely petrified of this subject! one, because i never thought i'd have to take another math subject after math111 (college algebra) and two, it's frikkin 5 units! (yes ming, yeo and vina, you guys have already experienced this :)) ) so if i get a low grade then good bye dean's lister and hello not.. dean's lister. and just the words "CALCULUS WITH ANALYTICAL GEOMETRY" scare the crap out of me. Atty. Chamen was really nice (she even let me eat my dinner before she started lecturing) but i donno how her teaching is like yet.. ack

so that's it! my subjects for 2nd semester! woohoo! what fun. good luck to all of us.

and power to the women! baha xD

*Epic fail*